The tricks your mind might play...

I don't exactly know if the time of year is to blame, but my moods have been rather gloomy recently. Call it end of year blues, call it winter depression...whatever it is, it has me firmly in its clutches.
And with those dark moods come the dark thoughts, the doubts, the "what if's". I catch myself thinking about what I have been through.
And that's when the anxiety comes back. The fear that history might repeat itself, that I hit rock bottom again and have to start over again.
As foolish as these fears might be...I can't shake them off or ban them from my mind. I catch myself daily, whenever I come home, checking my apartment through the front windows to see if someone is inside. Always fearing I might face another eviction. Trucks in front of the building make me nervous and whenever I hear voices in the hallway I fear it's about me.
Most of the times I can calm myself and laugh it off...but lately it has become harder.
The festive time is approaching and I considered taking a few days off work...but after today I probably will work all of Christmas, simply because I will need the money.
I will not go into detail why. Close friends know my situation and can relate.
The point is, I had a feeling that I need to save up and that I will need every € I can save...and my instinct was right.
Mind me, the issue is not unsolvable, but it triggered my anxiety again.
I wish I could finally let go of these fears. But I guess it will take a lot of time and possibly another therapy until I am finally free of them.
The funny thing really is that even though these fears really haunt me and unbalance me, a part of my mind is completely detached and analyzing it all. It's like this fragment of my mind is sitting there and taking notes, telling the rest of me how irrational my thoughts and behavior are. Guess it's what's left from my days at university, studying behavioural sciences.
I'm really trying hard not to be pulled under by the growing darkness in my mind. But I feel myself getting weaker. I will keep going. I will face every day. But right now I can only hope that I will find the light again. My inner flame is just a tiny flicker in the dark. So I will have to find something to bring it back to brightness and strength.

It's this time of the year...

Yes, my dear readers...December has come and Christmas is around the corner.

It also means that recently I turned a year older. But honestly...somehow even though the years go by...in my mind I am still in my mid-twenties. And somehow I wish I'd have had the insight I have now, back then. Wisdom comes with age, they say, and it's true.

These past three years have taught me a lot about life and people. Valuable lessons...paid with pain and tears. But I can honestly say...I am a lot wiser now.

I try not to look back too much. Some things are still like open wounds on my soul...but I want to look ahead. With the experience I have now, I want to bring myself forward and tackle some goals I still have.

I will always stay a dreamer and maybe some of my goals will be impossible to fulfil...but a girl can dream, right?

I won't tell much now...I will prolly do that in a later post.

Just so much...I am planning to travel a lot more again. I miss being on the road and there are tons of places I want to visit, or re-visit.

And I want to focus on my creative skills more again. People who follow me on Facebook/twitter/Instagram already know I'm back to art...bit by bit. And there is lots more to come.

Right now I am sitting at my friends place, spending a few days with fangirling and nerding...re-charging my batteries. And playing with her cats...of which one is curled up next to me sleeping and snoring.

As soon as I get my hands on a scanner, I'll update with my latest art.

Until then...stay tuned!

Yes, I'm still alive!

Just a little post to show that I'm still alive.

I've gone through some rerally busy months with little time for my art or fashion stuff.

My job is on hiatus now, so I can use the oncoming winter season for my art and some new fashion projects.

I don't have anything special planned yet. I got some ideas, though.

What have I been up to?

Work. Tons of work. I have this freelance thing going on with a turkish author, helping him write his books, translating as well as research and promotion. 6-day work weeks were usual, sometimes I worked 10 days in a row...felt like it was killing me. But I made it and it feels like I really accomplished something. I can actually SEE the work I have done all these months.

What really kept me going was music, actually. Some artists always have me up and smiling.

Recently I have been spending some weekends at a friends place and she really got me hooked on some new artists. While I have been a fan of Japanese music for almost 20 years now, Korean music (especially K-pop) has been ignored by me, mostly.

Well...that has changed now. Recently Super Junior, JYJ, DBSK, BIGBANG and B2ST have invaded my phone/mp3-player. There they exist happily next to Kaya, SUGIZO, Miyavi, DIAURA, lynch., INORAN, LUNA SEA, Juno Reactor and Linkin Park.

Odd mix? Well...that's me. And those really are just the artists I listen to frequently at the moment.

Anyway...berfore I start pointless ramblings here...I say just stay tuned for updates. Hopefully I'll be able to update more frequently again.

Going back to fashion ~ update ~

So...it has been quite a while since my last post.
My creative work has been on hiatus, due to circumstances. Other things needed my attention.

But now I have the mind again to return to creativity.

While I still haven't been at the sewing machine, I've taken a turn at customizing and altering clothes. My first try was an old pair of faded black jeans and while the outcome was cool already, I wasn't 100% satusfied. Yet it taught me a lot and today I'm using my free day to make a second attempt. This time it's a brand new pair of blue jeans that were donated to me about a month ago.

Step 1 in the customizing process is creating a print. I'm using stencils to create patterns, in this case a stencil with roses and swirls.

From different colors I've mixed a dark silvery that goes onto the jeans using a sponge.

Next step will have to wait until the print has dried.

Stay tuned! (^_^)

Little things that make me smile...

Some of my readers might know, that my life is quite a struggle. It has been so for quite some time, yet I do not give up hope that better days will come.

Apart from trying to be a fashion designer again, I have a (not too well paid) job, one that is much to my liking. being allowed to wear historical costumes, do some acting and be paid for it...yeah, I like that.

Well...no job goes without bad days or days where things go wrong and everything is a strain. But then again there are days where you leave work with a satisfied smile.

I have had those satisfied days quite often recently...days where I told myslef "this has been a good day indeed".

To explain a bit further...I work at a museum. And usually all tours of the house will be held in German. But every now and then we have guests who only speak English...and we have a few people that speak a very good English...me included.

So recently we had two guests from Asia...a girl from Korea and a guy from Japan. And both times I was the one providing translations.

I was unsure if it would be fine...but it worked out SO WELL! I got praised not only by the guests, my co-workers praised me as well!

That made me so happy...and that kind of happiness is what keeps me going, because it gives me the feeling of being needed and appreciated...and also it tells me, that I can DO things. That I am useful and talented.

The guests left entries in our guestbook...I had to take pictures, because those entries were just too cute. And I will share them with my dear readers, of course.

This is the entry of the girl from Korea:

And this is what the guy from Japan wrote:

Today and tomorrow I am off work...so I can relax a bit and gather new energy for another 5 days of work to come.

I hope next week will bring more of those happy moments. (^_^)

Going back to fashion

In my last post I already talked about how I want to get back into fashion, right?

With some ideas floating around in my head, I have begun sketching again.

My most recent sketch is this one:

Excuse the low quality pic, I still haven't gotten hold of a scanner...so I have to use my cam to take pics so I can share my stuff with you.

So...to the sketch. It's nothing really fancy, just a shirt idea that didn't leave my brain anymore. I plan to do a prototype version soon, I have all I need for it: black linen fabric, ruffles and a working sewing machine (^_~) Now all I need is some free time. The weekend is almost over and I didn't get anything done, because I got struck by a heavy migraine yesterday and still haven't recovered fully. But next weekend I'm off work again and I plan to put the free time to good use (^_^)

And now for something completely different...

...well, not entirely so.

But this post is not about my paintings, for a change.

Some of you might know, that a few months back I used to be a self-employes fashion designer with my own little brand.

Due to certain circumstances I had to give up on both, my brand and the self-employment.

Still I feel like I should pursue fashion in the future again and lately inspiration has been tickling me every now and then.

Just like tonight...I already had a name for my future brand and just now I felt like making a first logo-design.

So...my dear readers...what do you think? Like I said...it's just a first rough design...some details might still change, as I'm not yet 100% satisfied with the outcome.

I have some new ideas for clothing in mind as well...and even if it will take time until I can really focus on fashion again...

...it feels so goddamn right.